Scuzie!

Otherwise known as “The One Where SG Replays Her Saddest Moments.”

You know in that episode of Friends before Ross gets married, where Rachel is debating whether she should go to his wedding, and she has the flashback of their long and tumultuous but memorable relationship?

No, you’re thinking, I don’t know what this girl is talking about and I frankly don’t care! Will she stop it with the Friends references already?

But I don’t care what you think because this is my blog and here, I reign supreme.

So anyways, as I was saying.
Well, I’ve decided to write a “cast” list for my life, and when it came to MFL, I was suddenly unsure what to write. Now, I realize I haven’t mentioned him since March (yes I’ve been counting), so for those of you who are new here, you probably have no idea what I’m talking about (by the way, welcome to my life, have a cup of coffee, sit down and enjoy because you are going to feel loads better about yourself after you hear my stories). For the record, no, MFL does not stand for Midget Football League. It stands for My First Love, also known as The Big Boyfriend (not big in that way you sick, sick children), who was a major character in my life and well, my first love (duh). Obviously, we are no longer together, otherwise I wouldn’t be talking about him as if he was dead (which he’s not, but he might as well be because he’s alive, breathing, and dating some other chick).

The reason I haven’t mentioned him in the last month is because I kind of decided after my series of ridiculously melodramatic entries that I was going to stop tormenting myself and cut him out of thoughts. Which was sort of successful until I started re-watching Friends and then heard the Lobster reference and then wondered whether I’d let go of my Lobster. It also helped that I had a couple of boytoys to keep me distracted. But now the boytoys are gone and I’m sitting around watching Friends and eating chocolate and ice cream. And not that low-fat/soy/yogurt stuff either. The Real Thing!
But don’t worry, I’m still in shape. Round is a shape !

So anyway, instead of re-iterating the whole love story and its aftermath, I’m going to have my very own little “flashback episode.” Ooh. Aah.

I had to dig waaay into my archives for this (read: 2003) so you better appreciate it! [Note: I referred to MFL as "A" in my earlier entries.]

Complicated: i was talking to L on msn the day before yesterday and she said that she thought i liked A. like seriously. i told her she was crazy.

2fast2furious: A was in a really good mood today. i don’t know why, but if he’s happy, i’m happy =) ok but now i got myself into another problem. [...] although nothing really happened during the movie, i’m not completely sure we’re just friends anymore. [...] it might’ve just been him being in a good mood.. and i can’t really tell because.. i don’t know. but i’m just not so sure anymore.

the love of my life: [A went to Britain. SG missed him.] gah. now i’m worried about me going crazy when he comes back. i mean.. now that i know i like him, will it be weird between us? will i be able to hide it? i think i subconsciously knew it all this time, so hopefully we’ll still be.. i don’t know. sometimes i have an overwhelming wish to just be friends the way we are, and other times i have an equally overwhelming wish to be much more than friends.

shattered dreams:
[ok, it’s confirmed. A officially DID have a fling with that girl, janice. UUUURGH. BUT i’m going to take mel’s advice and stop thinking about him. because, like i said, he’s not worth it.]
actually, i’m not all that jealous of the other girl because he’s spared me the details of their relationship. i’m much more hurt by him though. i mean, he’s either really out of it right now, or he’s just plain self-centered. and i’d bet good money on the latter since i’ve always known him to be self-centered, i just tried to focus on his good traits.
but you know what? i’m over and done with focusing on his good traits. i’m tired of being taken for granted. i’m tired of pointing out to him that i’m ALIVE and TRYING to be a part of his life. [...]
yes, i’m still his friend, but no, i sure as hell do NOT want to be anything more than that because being his friend is already hard enough.

More than a Fairy Tale?:
By the end of the school year, it was quite clear that we liked each other. However, summer interfered. He was spending the entire summer in Britain. He sent me a postcard though, and he signed off with “wishing you were here,” which made me blush for hours after reading it.
Unfortunately, something went wrong (heh), and he got a girlfriend while he was in Britain. (What the hell?)
When school started though, we were still quite close, and he soon broke up with his girlfriend (he said it was because long term relationships are really hard, which I don’t doubt).
By this time, everyone already assumed that we were going out, but we ignored it and continued on our merry way being friends.
Except, at some point, I realized that we were only pretending to be friends, when both of us knew there was something more. I would catch moments when I found myself leaning on him, without meaning to, and I would have to jerk my head off his shoulder. He wouldn’t say anything; he would just act like he didn’t notice. Or moments where we both wanted to hug each other, but restrained ourselves for unknown reasons.
So eventually I confronted him, and on February 14th (yes, Valentine’s Day) we became, officially, a couple.

Holy Honeytrees
2) My parents are going to meet A.
3) My parents are going to meet his parents.
4) His parents are going to meet my parents.
5) A is going to meet my parents.
[...]
This is definitely a step into the Danger Zone, otherwise known as the This Is Getting Serious Zone or the Are We Going to Get Married and Have 17 Children Zone. So I’m really scared. I’ve already met his parents, although they never really talked to me. I don’t even think his dad knew I was his girlfriend, because he looked really confused the entire time I was there (at the provincial fencing competition – yes, he fences. Can you say Little Rich Boy marry me please?).

Confessions of a Girl in Love:
I’m still hung up on the idea of being independent. Sometimes, I get into these moods – usually when I’m listening to anti-love songs for those drunk, heartbroken women sitting at home befriending a bottle of wine – and I really want to push A away. I tell him to leave me for another girl or whatever… and it sorts of like, “I’m ok with it.” It’s this whole… if you leave me, I’ll live attitude. I mean, I just want him to be happy, right?
But I’ve realized that it’s just an act. It’s an act I put on for him as much as for myself, because I can’t deal with the truth. And the truth is, I need him. I love him, and I can’t imagine life without him. I would not be able to handle a break-up. I want to believe that I can, but I know that I can’t.

Eighth World Wonder:
That feeling that I get when he comes up behind me, slides his hands across my waist, wraps his arm around me and pulls me towards him as if he’ll never let go? I wish he never would. I can feel the faint smile on his lips as he breathes down my neck, not quite kissing me, but making me tingle nonetheless. And right then and there, in his arms, I could die and still be the happiest woman in the world.
I’ve finally found the eighth world wonder. It’s love.

Boys suck. Throw rocks at them.:
For most of our relationship, he seemed to be crazy about me. But this year, we’ve been really hot and cold, cold being the predominant temperature. In particular, these last two weeks, I’ve felt like we’ve been on some sort of unannounced hiatus. With March Break coming up, he seems to want to return from the hiatus, but I’m not so sure I want to.
I mean, I understand that this year has been a super important and super stressful year for everyone. And maybe if I were a better girlfriend, I’d be patient with him and wait until this phase is over. But I’m not like that. I can’t wait around for him to be in the mood for me. I mean, if he places school, extracurriculars, AND family before me, I might as well not be on his priority list.
If he truly loved me, I need more than that.

If you could read my mind love, what a tale my thoughts would tell:
Going into today, I wasn’t completely sure that I wanted to [break up with him]. I mean, I wanted it, but I wasn’t sure that I wasn’t going to regret it. But today, when we kissed briefly, I was sure. In the words of Stars on 54, “I don’t know where we went wrong, but the feeling’s gone and I just can’t get it back.” It was confirmed. I don’t love him anymore, and though he thinks he does, he doesn’t love me either.
It’s unsettling to hear myself say that. I don’t love him anymore. I don’t love him anymore.

Disappointment’s a bitch, yet one still hopes…:
…though under normal circumstances I’d blame myself, I’m not going to this time. Not this time.
I broke up with my boyfriend earlier this week. It was a pretty clean break-up, although the conversation was filled with a lot of awkward silences. I really didn’t know what to say to him, aside from the fact that the relationship had essentially ceased to exist and I had simply acknowledged that. I suppose he felt bad about it, because (as I realized after going through the entire conversation again) he knew it was his fault. Yes, I do generally blame him for the downward spiral of what had been a fantastic relationship, and he knows it.
[...]
I realized that he was actually the one who forsook our relationship and prioritized everything else. That’s where the disappointment came in. The one thing I was sure about was that he wanted our relationship [to work], and to think that the last couple months of what can only be called disintegration was no accident or oversight, but a deliberate, conscious decision on his part was almost more than I could bear.

The Worst Night of My Life:
A and C were doing their own thing the entire night while the rest of us sat in the living room. The way he talked to her, the way he looked at her, the way they cozied up to each other on the couch, the way they would “accidentally” touch each other… it was all way too much for me. I felt so awful that I literally became physically sick, and if I left that house a minute later, I think I would’ve died in it.
I didn’t sleep well at all. The entire night, I kept waking up and looking over at A, who was sleeping on the couch (the rest of us were on the floor). In the middle of the night, I had this horrible hallucination where I thought I saw someone on the couch with him, and I immediately sat upright to clear my eyes. When I woke up in the morning, instead of crying in the bathroom, I puked, and could not eat anything at all (not that anyone noticed…).
[...]
When A and C returned from their trip to Costa Rica, a lot of people told me about how they were really touchy-touchy and stuff, and later on, when A and I had a mini-fight, I told someone, “It feels like he would go for her if he wasn’t going out with me right now. But he’s not the kind of guy to cheat, so… But that doesn’t mean the attraction isn’t there.”
The fact that my prediction has come true is just such an awful feeling.

Like, Total BFFs! Yay!: A and I had a really good talk today. [...] I feel a lot better after that talk, especially because I asked him whether he liked C and he repeatedly denied it. [...] I’m actually quite excited about us returning to the friends stage.

What Ex-Boyfriend?:
[I recently found out from a third party that A and C started going out days after we broke up, and that he'd lied to me in our little "post-breakup talk."] At first, I cried. Then I wanted to kill them. I, quite seriously, planned to beat the shit out of them the next day.
If anyone understands me, and knows about the kind of relationship A and I had, they would understand why I was so angry about being kept in the dark. I mean, A and I have told each other everything for the last three years! This wasn’t just as a couple but also as friends. And A had said he wanted to be friends, but at the same time lied when I asked him whether or not he liked C. That pissed me off, because I was pretty sure of what I saw, but I chose to believe him because I didn’t think he would lie to me.

Flashback:
I marched up to him in the hallway and spun him around. “I need to talk to you,” I demanded, then started marching ahead before he could reply. He followed me silently to the parking lot.
“Are you going out with The Other Girl?” I practically shouted as soon as we got outside.
“Oh god…” He muttered underneath his breath, then leaned back on the wall, maybe to brace himself for what he knew was coming. “Yes.”
Awkward silence.
“Look, I wanted to tell you, I did! You know I just got back from Saskatchewan. Actually, I was going to talk to you sometime today about it. But I just haven’t had a chance,” he pleaded.
“Well you have a chance now. Talk.” I was clearly not buying his bullshit.
“Ok… well… The Other Girl and I are going out.”
“Ok.”
Another awkward silence.
“Who told you?”
I didn’t respond.
“It was J, wasn’t it?”
“Why have you been keeping this from me? You two have been going out for, what, a week already? You think I wouldn’t find out? Hello, we’re in high school!”
“We weren’t trying to hide it from you, I swear!”
“Then why did I have to find out from someone else? You could’ve called me before you left, or from Saskatchewan. And The Other Girl’s been here all along.”
“She wanted me to be the one to tell you. She wasn’t trying to hide this from you! And I… I wanted to tell you in person. But I haven’t really had a chance since I came back.”
Bullshit, I thought. Inside, I was screaming with frustration and anger, but on the outside, I was made of stone. Remember what J said. Beating him up will not help. Don’t hit him. Don’t. So instead, I just stood there, my body completely rigid.
“You lied to me,” I hissed, my voice shaking.
[...]
That night, he messaged me on MSN. I was kind of glad, it gave me an opportunity to say all the things I hadn’t during our confrontation.
[11:21:54 PM] Me: did you really mean it when you said you still wanted to be friends?
[11:22:02 PM] Me: because i don’t see how that would work if you can’t even tell me something like this
[11:22:15 PM] Me: i mean, i ASKED you if you had ANY feelings for her
[11:23:19 PM] Me: and despite what i thought i saw, you said no, so fine, whatever. then i find this out. from my point of view, you are definitely standing on lower moral ground, and i’m extremely, excruciatingly disappointed, because in my mind, you weren’t that kind of person
[11:24:22 PM] The Ex: i only said what i said because i was afraid you’d react badly, since it seemed so soon afterwards
[11:25:05 PM] Me: see, if you had told me, i’d be hurt, but i’d have to be understanding, because you were being mature about it and you’d expect me to be mature about it.
[11:25:21 PM] Me: what you’ve done now is giving me a reason to be pissed off, along with being hurt, which couldn’t have been avoided anyway
[11:25:54 PM] Me: in any case, it seems that you don’t know me at all, and i don’t think i know either, so let’s just leave it at that
[11:25:58 PM] Me: have a nice life.

Bitten by the Pessimism Bug:
I wish A didn’t have to like someone else so soon, I wish I was still in his life, I wish…
Sad to say, I’m still in love with him. And you’re only going to hear this confession out of me once, because I can barely admit it to myself without wanting to kill something, but it’s true. I still love him, and I still care about him a lot.
It’s just… he’s the only love I’ve known, he’s the only guy I’ve trusted fully, he’s the only… the only guy I’ve considered to be my soul mate.
How do soul mates end up cutting each other out of their lives?!

Rebound Girl:

And then I realized that all these boys lo these many months? The LRS and Memphis Boy and The Doctor and SBDB? Rebound rebound rebound rebound. Lookin for love in all the wrong places, lookin for love in all the wrong faces, as they say.

How many boys have I gone through in the past year after breaking up with A? 6? 7? 8? How many times did I purposely get drunk knowing I’d end up making out with a stranger?
[...]
So what now? How do I make my sub-conscious stop looking for love in every dark corner and seedy bar?
I should just tape a warning to my forehead. “WARNING: Proceed with caution. Girl on rebound.”

Love Sucks:
So what if I haven’t forgotten about him at all? So what if I spend many hours before falling asleep thinking over all the things I never said to him? So what if I wonder about how he’s doing all the time? So what if I wish I had another chance with him?
So what?
What right does he have to confuse me?
What right does he have to enter my life again?
What right does he have to turn my world upside down?
What right does he have to make me still want him? How unfair is it that I still love him even though I haven’t seen him in two years?

I turn myself inside out:
And when I’m back in my room, alone and unable to fall asleep, I’d think of A.
First, I miss how he was always there for me. I knew I would miss this the most – he was my best friend, after all. Second, I miss how it felt to hold his hand. He always had sweaty hands. It was a condition that he was slightly embarrassed about, but I loved it because I could always be sure I was holding his hand and no one else’s. Third, I miss the look he gave me when I was being exasperatingly stubborn. I used to go out of my way to be difficult because I wanted to see how much he could take, and he took it all. Fourth, I miss the way he’d remember every word I said. He would know what was going on on a particular day because I’d mentioned something about it weeks ago. Or he’d know what I should get a friend for her birthday because he’d remember some obscure conversation between us that I had relayed to him. Fifth, I miss how we were always thinking the same thing and he would finish my sentences. Sixth, I miss how it worked with him. It. Always. Worked. And with other boys, it doesn’t. At all. And I wonder if I was just the stupidest girl in the world for thinking there was something better than what we had.
[...]
And I’d get a little tearful. And I’d think, tomorrow. Tomorrow, I’m going to call him. I’m going to call him and tell him all these things. That I miss him on these six points and a million others.
I’d eventually drift into sleep. When I wake up, I’m already over it and I get on with my day. And then night comes and I’d find another boy’s arms to try out, and again, I’d come home alone and unsatisfied. And again, I’d think about A and doubt myself.
And so the cycle repeats.
But I can never call him and tell him these things. There are just some things you don’t do, and resurrecting a love whose time has come and gone is one of them. Because as hard as it is to be without him, as hard as it is to find someone who understands me and loves me as much as he did, this is the way it was meant to be. He wasn’t – isn’t – the One. I knew it then and I know it now.
[...]
There’s only one thing I’m looking for, only one man I need in my life. And I believe when he comes knocking on my door, I’ll know it. There’ll be a clap of thunder and a swell of music and maybe a gong will be hit somewhere. I’ll just know it.

One Way or Another:
So, obviously I made the mistake of being hopelessly honest (as usual) without realizing that this boy was completely in love with me. And of course, I completely broke his heart. [...]
It was pretty much all downhill after that.
I suppose what he doesn’t know is that I did love him. And I think about what happened all the time, thinking about where we might have ended up if things had gone differently.
[...]
To him, our story is over. He’s had two girlfriends since and I’m sure he’s working on a third. We still talk occasionally, and get along great – after all, we were best friends/girlfriend-boyfriend for over four years – but he’s moved on and I’m sure he thinks I’ve forgotten all about it.
To me, I’m still haunted by the ‘what if’s. It’s not that I’m not over him, it’s just that I feel like I’m still looking for closure.
There are still so many things I have to say to him. Like how it killed me to hurt him. [...] Like how I stay awake so many nights thinking about him, doubting myself. Like how I’m trying to eat myself to death so I can worry about my weight instead of my heart. Like how the confident girl he knew has since become that much less confident. Like how I feel like a stupid ass 90 percent of the time.
But the 10 percent tells me that I did the right thing. [...] The 10 percent tells me that as hard as this is, this is no accident. This is the way it was meant to be.
One way or another, he and I would not end up together.
One way or another, I have to forgive myself. And I have to believe that I can love again.

Most Important Resolution of All:
Because, see, the scheming little witch, yours truly, really just wanted to see MFL. Against my better judgment, I wanted to spend time with him, away from the crowd, to sort out the feelings I still had for him. The afternoon itself was glorious, no doubt. We were as comfortable together as ever, and I honestly thought that perhaps there was still hope for us, that the old feelings were not completely lost. But as it turns out, the rumours about him being single have recently been made false, and so I am once again back at square one. Still in love with a guy who is neither physically nor emotionally available, and hasn’t been for the last two years.
The worst part about this is that he still treats me so well, with what seems like genuine concern, and he is oblivious to the fact that his benevolence is tormenting me! [...]
The little boy in Love Actually got it right on the mark when he said, “what is worse than the complete agony of being in love?”
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.